An eventful and unforgettable Christmas!

Though I have no problem publicly sharing some aspects of my life, I contemplated sharing our recent Christmas experience. Paul shared it on his blog and he always puts it so well that I did not feel I needed to share it on mine.  The feelings and fears that accompany the experience of Paul awaiting a heart transplant are feelings I would rather keep to myself but this blog is for journaling purposes and I have been so inspired by many other bloggers that are experiencing their own kinds of adversity and trials that I feel like it would be ok to share my side of the story and a little of what I am feeling. 

Early Christmas morning around 1 am the phone rang. We joked that some idiot was going to feel really bad when the machine came on and they realize they had the wrong number. But then, Paul's cell phone rang, and I knew it was a call for an available heart. We were all thinking what a miraculous Christmas gift and joked that it was going to make a great book or Hallmark movie some day! We scrambled to get a few things packed and called my sister to come stay with Eden. Santa had all ready made a stop at our house and the thought that Christmas morning with Eden was not going to happen occurred to us. You put a lot of work into being able to witness a few prized moments on Christmas morning and I did not want Paul to miss it nor did I so we woke Eden up to open a few gifts. We were so rushed we did not even take pictures. Paul had me open one gift before we left too. It was a heart pendant necklace (so appropriate!) I cried. We kissed Eden goodbye and headed to the hospital. We were so incredibly nervous that we both nearly threw up in the car as we drove there. I think the last time I came that close to throwing up in the car was when I was in labor with Eden! Good thing because that car was my other Christmas present that I had received only a few days before! Paul had traded in his beloved BMW (uh....lemon!) and surprised me with a loaded Toyota Sienna. It is a car I would have not bought myself but now I love love love it!!!  Way to go babe! Yes I am joining the ranks of you mini van moms! Anyways, we met his parents and brother and his wife in the lobby. Oh, it was good to see them.  Paul's dad and brother gave us both blessings and over the next 3 hours the hospital prepped Paul for the surgery, did blood work, and even gave him a dose of immunosuppressant drugs. The surgeons had all stopped in his room to talk to us and at one point the main surgeon sat down to discuss the seriousness of the surgery. We have always known it was a risky surgery but at this point it only added to our nerves. Me being a nurse does not help either. I have had a few bad and I should add teary nights at home after combing through medical journals about statistics of transplant patients like Paul. At one point I had to convince myself to stop looking and to turn completely to hope and faith because that is really what I needed to get through this. This surgeon was just doing his job and I appreciate his frankness but it was rather bad timing! By about 5:30 am Paul was heading to the O.R. At this point I was really sick, I cannot remember a time feeling this anxious. I kept wondering if I had said everything I wanted to say to Paul just in case I never got to say it again. I just couldn't think straight. We sent him off and I was so glad Paul's parents were there to go crazy waiting with me. We began to relax, but only a little, now that we had surrendered  to the whole ordeal. About 20 minutes later, the surgeons came to the waiting room to inform us that the surgeon retrieving the donor heart had found an aneurysm on it that they had not picked up on the echo. They were perplexed as they had not encountered this before. They were not sure what they were going to do.  At least they had not cut Paul open yet. They left to go study the situation and at that point and we were discouraged as well as confused. We sat there wondering what was the best thing to do at that point? Now our tired bodies were feeling anxious and sick again.  I just prayed and prayed. The doctor returned after what felt like forever and said they had decided to not use the heart. I worried how Paul would react when he became aware of this but as he came out of the light sedation he was at peace. Besides, now we could enjoy part of Christmas day at home. 

We all have prayed for the right heart to come at the right time under the best circumstances. This obviously was not the right heart for him. I know that God watches over all of us. I pray that Paul will have many years left to enjoy life but if the Lord has another will I will accept that too. I think Paul will be fine and I hope for that but you still have to encounter these thoughts when faced with such serious circumstances. Somedays I do not think I am strong enough for this and someday I may have to retire to a looney bin for crazies that could not make it through this life but I do know I would not have chosen to not marry Paul because of this. I would not want to give up any of our time together for an easier lot. Paul is who I needed, now and in the eternities.